After High School graduation was quite the roller coaster of experiences. In a way I can say that is fine because if it wasn’t then wouldn’t life be boring haha. This is the time when I made Google and Yahoo Answers my best friends. Through those searches and research I come to find that there was something called transgender. I knew my heart and on the inside I am female but still at the time, didn’t fully understand it. Happiness came out of research to finally pin why I felt sad for no reason but it should have been obvious from the simple fact I was fake for many years. There were many times of doubt and denial that I would have to alter my body to reach happiness. Still in the hypnosis of hyper-masculinity I thought that joining the Army would be my man making process and I was in a phase in my life or something.

I went to a Psychologist before boot camp to talk things out because before leaving I was still very deep in sadness everyday without cause. Looking back the cause was all because of me but I couldn’t see that at the time. The therapist said also I was transgender via describing how I feel and about my past. This conflicted with denial and that also I was leaving for the Army soon. The information was kept in the background until I finished training and went back home. I completed my training at Fort Benning which is nicknamed the School for Men as a joke because its home of the infantry. Infantry is currently a male only occupation. After training I still felt the same way before entering…I am still not myself. Being male was a total lie.

I came home in full blown depression. I tried to hide it the best I could until the drinking started. Depression can make you drink like no other. Some days I would drink half to 3/4 of a 1.75L Bacardi or Jack Daniels. It was a sickening dark time and all I could think was to drink to sooth the pain. It hurt to continue the lie and the more I lied to myself and others the more I just wanted to disappear. When I say disappear I mean suicide which I will cover next post.

I was happy that I lost 38 pounds through training to fit nice in woman’s clothes. That happiness was only temporary when I tried dressing up. Still confused and in denial I didn’t know what to do. The drinking stated above lead to eating more as fueled by depression. I regained all the weight and then some. That kept me in a perma state of sadness that had no possible way to be hidden anymore. The stress and sadness made me into a hermit and I would spend all my time on Guild Wars.

Not sure why but then after a long while, I returned back to therapy. The initial sessions helped to identify that 100% I am transgender under Gender Identity Disorder. Even with that discovery that I kinda already knew it was still left un-addressed. I gained somewhat control on the heavy depression by being able to talk some things out but the therapist at the time I went to reached a point he couldn’t help me much more of what I required. Much time was spent with the same therapist but resulted into almost casual conversations.

I needed serious help and I needed it now. As I went to weekend drills to my unit, the situation at hand saddened me that I was stuck in a male position and couldn’t get out even if I screamed. I was like a caged animal at a zoo. I needed to become wild and free again. An event occurred that will be touched in the next post that I reached my breaking point. I talked my situation to a Sgt. who was a good friend who then talked to the Commander. I talked to the Commander about my situation and then they said a decision would be made on what to do next.

The next drill weekend I was offered an Honorable Discharge or to sign against it to stay. I told them I think I know what I need to do so leaving is the final option. It was very surprising the situation was handled very professionally and on a timely basis. The process only took a month and I was out. The military is something I will always love and cherish. I had been accepted to Marion Military Institute, Army ROTC program to become an officer on a side note. It was a dream to be an officer in the Military. Its ok that chapter is done in my life and will do the job of honoring those in service instead.

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