Suicide is sometimes a topic people don’t like to talk about much just as much as people going through it are afraid to ask for help. Either way its very common in the LGBT communities. Lots of people who are Transgender have experienced thoughts and some have taken their own life. May all who have passed rest well.

My experience with suicide ideation was mild compare to others. It occurred 3 major times but there was always a constant thought about not wanting to exist after the first episode. Its quite a dark thing to go through. Imagine going to sleep wishing you didn’t get up the next day and waking up the next day sad because its another you have to survive through. Its an inner battle of wanting to die but the body needing to survive. That may seem odd but if one does look into it from those who have done action on themselves have a biological fear reaction to survive. Its not a clean sweep and the body goes without a fight.

I am a very straight forward person now that isn’t afraid to get to the point, tell it like it is, or say anything with integrity. Funny part is some therapist or anyone has never heard me talk about these past experiences that much. Even after overcoming these dark times I was sometimes afraid to retouch this topic. Here it goes. In my dark times I had the stupid thoughts that a slice to the neck would be a way to go. There was one day I was heavily drinking and had the knife in my hand. I don’t know how to explain the feelings exactly of what it feels like when you have that inner battle of taking your own life and to fight against that at the same time, in tears, and sadness. It was a want to die but knew happiness was possible in future but the pain to great.

In the back of my mind had Army training kicked in from suicide training. One of which is to dial 1-800-SUICIDE. I didn’t think it was that easy of a number but it really is. They provided me a listening ear and soothing words to not do it. I am very thankful for that service they provided me and that they said I can call them anytime to just talk if I needed. The 2 major occurrences thereafter had different ways of help provided I am thankful for as well. The second one I remember something about the Trevor help line and decided to give them a call. They told me it was ok to be transgender but at the time I was still in anger with denial about it.

The 3rd occurrence was in the Army. The unit was on full alert and guard duty. It was my turn to guard the gate with live ammo. Keep in mind I haven’t handled weapons in a long time since training and that same time in a dark time. every min that passed with live ammo and an M203 felt like hours and I turned myself in with the self control I gained from the suicide training. I am very thankful for all of the training, and help lines that are out there. It helped me to choose life instead of death. Suicide is just a perma solution to a temp issue. Being transgender is of course a life long situation but does obtain a happiness point. All i need to do is reach it.

I come to find that the more I accept the fact I am transgender and someone else on the inside that needs to be expressed the more I felt fine or happy. Basically all I had to do was be myself but that’s hard to do after mean years of being fake. When one is fake that long as myself you forget who you once were. I reprogrammed myself so deep that it would take years to undo all of the hyper-masculinity I did. The main key: be myself on the gender spectrum and I will be ok. All of the pain goes away when I express my heart to the world. My heart is a woman and therefore I will be aligning myself to the expression. That expression was being myself. If all that is true then I am transgender just trying to be the woman I was suppose to be. Let the work begin…