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[photo is Jas who finished her journey]

I have become my own biggest critic which sometimes hinders my progress. This photo of Jas best explains what happens with out thinking. We don’t exactly see an opposite sex version of ourselves but its the best example of our constant thoughts that are flowing. When we see things on applications that say male/female check one box; I would love to mark female without hesitation but I have to mechanically program myself to mark male.

Everyday and all day I would be thinking not as a male. I would feel totally different on the inside compared to what you would see on the outside. I would love to tell a cute guy that he is cute but I am halted by the fact I am biologically a male. That guy possibly wouldn’t want to hear that from another guy unless he is gay. EVEN if he was gay; he is looking for a man, not a man who has a woman heart who will transition in the future.

What hurts the most is that anything related to the target intended gender I cannot be involved in. Lets say that a couple female family members are going to paint their nails. I would love to join them but it makes an awkward situation because I am still presenting myself as a male for the lack of any transitional work. If my brain were to be transplanted into a female body I would be happy. I already have the self identity of one that is permanent.

Everyday I as I look into the mirror and see a guy staring back at me, its an image I can’t stand to live with. Its going to take a lot of effort, work, time and money to align to the outside who I am on the inside. I just wish I can find people who can embrace me as the woman I am even tho I present and currently am biologically male. Yes I understand via DNA I will always be male but I have to put in some work so that I can by recognized where I wish to be on the gender spectrum.

This provides conflict with the gender orientations in a specific way. Yes I am happy with working on expressions but I also need that reflection in the mirror to match. Its a long road ahead and transitions is lifelong, no just from A to B.

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