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Good ol’ Wiki: Doubt, a status between belief and disbelief, involves uncertainty or distrust or lack of sureness of an alleged fact, an action, a motive, or a decision. Doubt brings into question some notion of a perceived “reality”, and may involve delaying or rejecting relevant action out of concerns for mistakes or faults or appropriateness.

Fear of the unknown.

Transitioning is no walk in the park. There are many hurdles, goals, and fears to conquer. Those are examples and are not limited to; can create pressures for some people like myself who is at the same time working on building a career track and independence. I understand to eat an elephant, one must do so a bite at a time but still being a realist can be a blessing and a problem.

I personally think to logically in many decisions. Transitioning isn’t necessarily a decision. It’s something you either do or run away as sadness controls you. Sometimes it seems easier to remain as my biological gender and force myself to fit the general role of male. In a strange realist way due to pressures it would seem easier to continue living as a male. In reality; continuing as a male as a confirmed transgender would be a terrible action.

These thoughts are not to be confused with denial. I am in acceptance of the situation at hand. There is just so much to do and achieve to obtain happiness that it seems like I will be worn out by the time I reach my goal. When these doubts occur I remember how I been networking with those that have walked the path before me on how they described the long term fulfillment and contentment from enduring the process.

There are times where I think about the Army career I could have had. I created a nice plan to become an officer in the Army which was one of my dream occupation choices. To think about it, as of the date of this post I could have been a 1st. Lt. officer on my way towards a Captain in a couple years if I kept playing my cards right. That may be indeed a “what if” moment but I live with no regrets, because I left to pursue my true happiness.

I am not expecting a smooth sailing to reach my goals. It just becomes too much as described sometimes that it makes me step out of the process for a second. It is interesting though to be able to see myself in third person for these reports. Well if I fell 7 times I will get up 8. That means I will use the tools provided from therapy and medical solutions to continue “without a doubt” because I know the right thing to do.

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