Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more. Haha great song but that’s besides the point. People think that gender expressions has a direct link to sexuality. There is a direct independence of those 2. I thought about covering sexuality vs gender in a post but it would redundant to this one. On one hand love is blind and can occur from anywhere at anytime. There are many forms of love, but point being any love is better than hate.

I have an anxiety of finding love right now. Its not that I am afraid to be with someone. I am afraid of rejection because its a red flag to be transgender to some straight people out there. Love is suppose to overlook appearances but too often lust overpowers love. Lust is based on appearance. For a long time I never explored my sexuality. If it all I never even tried because I was hot mess of figuring out my own identity.

Deep inside I will take any love I can get, but not in a form of desperation. I am in no rush nor obligation to lose what society calls virginity. Yes on one hand its a social pressure to lose said virginity but whats that worth of just doing sexual acts without love. On other hand I do like women to an extent but I don’t feel I meshed well during attempted relations. I would date then my own conflicts would come to mind of my role in the relations.

Through a long term digging I think I would mesh better with men, but not as a man; a woman. I have met many people who have transitioned male to female but still enjoy to be with females. I believe I would be a straight woman and their case would be deemed as a lesbian. Still the factor on how love is blind, I never know if a female might come my way in life. If that is so, I am ok with that.

What would be better is like the picture. Being swept off your feet just like biological woman would desire. Being embraced and the warm secure feeling it provides via being with a male is something I would prefer. The list can go on of my preference but I will leave it as that. I have seen some romantic movies with a couple and I would fantasize being the female in the relations. It would seem right, also if that’s where the heart is; it probably is meant that way.

Here’s where my anxiety kicks in. If I “prefer” male to be in relations with, how do I go about finding someone without the label of transgender. I do have desire to integrate but disclosure is required for potential partners. I have seen many documentaries of trans people attempting to date. Some are successful and others are not. I don’t blame males looking for a real deal biological females for family making body parts.

There are guys out there though what know love is blind. Billions of humans on this planet, someone has to be out there that will love me as a woman. Its just a matter of time but being single for so many years its taking its tolls on me. I do not wish to date females right now because I cannot fit the role of the male they seek. Its quite a middle ground to be in. I don’t exactly present myself as female either.

It will be a long time till I am loved romantically. so to anyone out there I could use a hug…