patricia-star-patricia-star-spongebob-patrick-crossdressing-demotivational-poster-1283598070I have discovered over the past 5 years I have been superbly procrastinating my advances with my transition. One of which is exploring with wardrobe changes. I didn’t know it has been that long until I was cleaning my room.

There were many drafts of plans I made long ago of “planning” how and when I would go about transition stuff. Yes, it is silly to map out things but that’s how I operate. Unfortunately this planning on papers I found were dated 3-5 years ago.

I sat and thought in a long ponder. If I keep going at this rate; I will never accomplish and get past this hurdle. It’s not walk in the park to finally begin dressing around people or circumstances that do not support what you are doing. Other times you never know who will support you till you do it. Irregardless, it finally hit me that I need to stop waiting on BS factors such as but not limited to: weight, money, living alone, etc.

Something that I have always said is that we don’t get younger. I have been to many gender support groups now and sometimes was the youngest person in the meeting. They all say they wish they had started when they were younger. There are many factors at play that prevents one from starting a transitions journey. It all comes down to when you are personally ready.

I had some close calls with my bike riding adventures recently that put these thoughts into play. 4 times now: I have been nearly hit by a car. It really made me realize we can die at any time as well as I don’t want to die without having tried being myself. It would suck to die as an identity I didn’t agree with. Since then, I have been like Nike “Just do it”.

Not sure if I said this before but a vast majority of people don’t care what you are doing (depending on where you live of course). Many times than rare, people have different things on their mind. They may look at you; but its because they have the right to do so with the eyes that wander. If you stick out, of course you will be looked at. So what if they look?

In my Speech class, the Professor got into worrying and thinking about what others think. It is none of our business to wonder what others are thinking of. Everyone has a right to think what and privately evaluate things in their head. Now that I look at it, its SO silly to keep being self-conscious about what others would think about me.

It took around 5 years and assisted from a variety of people, but I’m happy to be out of that state. I can now get up and go on with my life. The Sociology teacher had said: If you were to die right now, what 3 words do you want on your grave? My response was: Life is short. I’ve spent 5 years worrying in my own head about other people but my own happiness.

I’ve halted myself because I was afraid of others reactions. I basically put my own happiness on hold to make sure people were ok around me. That is NO longer ok. The metaphor I have adapted is that currently I am a flower that is planted. Some caring individuals are watering me with a safe haven and love. Soon, I will bloom into a beautiful rose no matter if you like it or not.

Our house is for sale so I been spending time going through all my stuff. Probably around 3 years ago; I have been gathering together a variety of clothes and shoes of the female expression. Occasionally it has been explored with in private but it would depress me when I could be in an environment to explore more with it.

Then I finally got the opportunity. I did have chances to dress up in the local gender support group but I still had inner conflicts on how to go about it. In Fort Lauderdale, there was another group I was invited to attend. The bike riding had already helped me upkeep body shaving so I was ready to try something like a skirt.

I thought for a while and said what the hell lets do it!. I put on (all female attire), a white polo, a hidden corset, boyshorts, khaki skirt, and brown ankle boots. It was cute and I was in love with the outfit. It felt amazing. Not in sexual stimulation but in mental bliss. It was finally something that felt right and comfortable. Out of fear, I have been wearing pants as much as I can.

Looking back I should have practicing walking in those boots more haha. I arrived to meet a friend who was going to take me to the group. He was happy that I finally made some steps to go forward. There was 4 people at the bus stop across from the car looking at me, but I paid no attention. I did have lots of adrenaline from this new experience but it felt great!

We arrived to the group and the people at the center was warm welcoming us. It was nice to be in public  even though I knew I was no where near passable. I had no make up, hair is short, and still a male voice (with possible 5-o’clock shadow). It was simply a cross-dressing experience in a place I would not be judged. On the way back I had then thought to ask my mother if she would like to see my new look.

Just as I said above; you never know peoples response and support till you try whatever it is. My mother said nice, and that the look reminded of herself when she was younger. I was overjoyed of the unknown response. It opened new doors for my house and public exploration. I would like to say I completely have overcome my fears of starting but there will still be first time jitters about it.

I do look forward as I lose weight to keep shifting my wardrobe into a more neutral look with feminine expression. It was a pleasant experience to finally be free and I’m not sure why I didn’t “just do it” 5 years ago. Doesn’t matter though, as I have gained greater self confidence at this point to be more comfortable with myself. I suggest to all who is embarking on their cross-dressing adventures or are transgender; “Just do it” and “we don’t get younger” because life is short.

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