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No ReturnI have come to a critical point in my emotional and mental health. I have consulted many and researched others who have transitioned before me. There is a time; that things become intense, and there is an ultimatum type of thought process that consumes you. You are confronted with suffering from doing nothing to the point of potential suicide or actually act upon pursuing happiness.

It seems like absolutes and a simple thing to decide. Death or work towards happiness. Well to any that know Creed, he has a song called One last breath. Sometimes it “seems” like easier work to die than it is to work towards something. “6 feet from the edge…maybe 6 feet isn’t so far”. The reasoning means that silly solution of suicide is easier to complete than going miles towards something better.

Luckily from Army training and therapy, I have gained self control techniques to prevent myself from obtaining such points. I don’t think I would be alive today if I wasn’t in the Army. In the military back in 2008, I was told suicide was the #2 killer of all soldiers. Therefore they did around 5: 30-60 min training sessions about suicide prevention for yourself and “battle buddies”. I am alive now and highly thankful for what they instructed. Very easy to remember 1-800-SUICIDE as well.

MV5BMjAxMzY3NjcxNF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNTI5OTM0Mw@@__V1_SX214_I already did a post covering suicide but that feelings of doom has come back to breath on my shoulder. Logically speaking yes 6 feet isn’t so far. I did some soul searching as inspired from my new favorite movie: Inception. This movie has taught me a lot about the sub-conscious effects on our daily life. There are lots of deep engrained thoughts that affect many aspects. On that same note, sub-conscious can be tapped in view to see “what’s under the hood”.

Many times our answers to what we seek when it comes to decisions or issues is inside us. We just have too much internal noise to actually listen in on what is there. I wanted to know what exactly was keeping me in such a depressed potentially suicidal state of hating life. After watching; I was like I wonder if I too can dig deep inside like investigative psychology. With great effort I obtained success. The primary fuel to my depression was not doing anything about my transitions.

Yes I was starting to fool around with cross-dressing on one occasion. What was I truly doing to make changes? Now that I dug deep I was confronted with said absolutes. Suffer in pain because I am doing nothing? death? or work towards happiness? My sub-conscious answered this by saying there is hope, I am happy to be a woman at heart and now I must bloom and express this vividly. All I had to do was JUST BE because I was something. I just suppressed myself into a internal jail.

It was the biggest crime I can do to myself to not actually be myself. I have come to a point in my life where I need to act now. Those same individuals that really got into transitions said: “finally got sick of the shit of being fake, time to get up and live”. It was to some a phase of do it or not worth living. It was like nitrous to their motivation of transition.

I have fears of leaving my “comfort zones”. It was too comfortable to fool everyone what I am not than it was to express my true nature. Once I progress there is no turning back. No more pondering if and when. JUST DO IT. I kind of love the idea but it still spooks me. There will be lots of biological responses from this new territory of exploration, which is natural.

I am looking forward to acting NOW. I just recently discovered that I become disgruntled or easily irritable when in male clothes. Well that means I just have to adjust my wardrobe to what I can. That was the biggest keys to an initial boost that I really need. I have to next surround myself with people that will support this rocky road.

It is a waste to invest into people that will provide no returns. I know by now who will be at my side throughout this process. While I see great happiness opportunities from finally blooming; it is not going to be a process of daisies and roses. There will be resistance and hurdles. Many internal challenges will have to be overcame.

The “point of no return” actually helps reassure me that I am finally leaving my old self that I could not work with. It is a new friendly reminder that I am no longer stuck at the starting line. I’ll cross it with bravery and pride. No longer will I be coward to the crippling depression. Once that starting line is crossed; its full speed to run my life and not others do so for me.

Nice to know that this is a common phase to all who initially hit a wall, into finally jumping in on work. Some start less harshly, but I guess I had to be shoved. That is ok. We are all on unique journeys and now one transition is the same path as others. They may all follow a general trend but all one of a kind. Just like a flower we each are.

World, get ready for me to bloom:

Jess 😀

Cyclist meme

Two things of the bat. No disrespect to the athletes or people in the picture meme. While one needs a realistic scale of where they are at; they will gain it over time if serious and don’t discourage that person’s personal performance of how they felt they did. How you feel when you start something new or finally getting the grasp of things is very important. Its the initial feelings that boost motivation to keep going.

More often than rare. people will observe our current progress and would proceed to criticize. This can even go for the apparel department. If you feel strong, confident, and serious; wear the best suitable apparel for that activity. Of course our society is filled with rigid standards but that doesn’t stop me from putting on what works best for me.

When I am in the “zone” on the bike, I feel empowered. Not gonna’ lie, I have some more weight to lose but when going; things like muffin top, beer belly, or uneven tans go our the window. Exercising is a personal enrichment activity. We are not doing it for other people. We are doing it for ourselves. (There are some that directly work out only for looks but I won’t go there).

I will not have shame in my body while cycling nor if people will look. They will see that I am doing something about it vs. whatever that person of judgments is doing. I laugh at anyone that jokes at me from in a car while I’m riding. I am using the fuel of body fat, carbs, and other sources that make positive health while that person in the car is lazy being carried around.

In Florida, there is always risk to be heat exhausted. I wear tank top and short shorts. Not the typical uniform for cyclists but I have come to learn in 90+ weather wear I drip sweat all over the place I need to be cool. Basketball shorts got in the way, and cyclist shorts don’t feel so great to me. I was also tired of my “farmers tan” so the tank top would even out my entire arm.

My next point is that sometimes we think that there’s a certain level we need to be while being observed. Yea sure I’d love to zip around at 25MPH like the racers do but I have a beach cruiser. I can probably comfortably do 15MPH with no wind (best guesses). Some would think I have to go XYZ speed as a new cyclist or I will not be able to use the bike lane. FALSE.

Just as much of wearing what best suits your activity, use whatever means that activity includes. Bike lane is for bikes no matter if your going 10MPH or 30MPH. If I am on the final couple miles of my 24 mile route and there is wind; I’ll drop my speed down in injury prevention. Some could get self-conscious to say maybe if I slow down I should get back on the side walk.

Not me. I stopped using the sidewalk permanently because there are many people with headphones that cannot nor care to hear you say your coming. I used to have a bell and one time a horn, still no one hears me. It sucked to be in 5th gear and down shifting my pace to ride in the grass around them. Mose side walks are wide enough to support 2 way traffic easy.

In my experiences so far if you feel good with what your doing; dress it up, play it out, and do your best. Once you understand that exercising no matter which activity is for your and not anyone else, it will become a more enjoyable experience. That initial morale boost will help make your exercise a positive habit that you can’t wait to do.

Be happy with your body throughout this process. If you can’t accept and appreciate yourself now, you will be less likely to do so once you meet your fitness goals/lifestyle. Learn to really love what you can’t change and go after desired changes. “We don’t get younger” and as we get older: fitness gets harder. START NOW 🙂

patricia-star-patricia-star-spongebob-patrick-crossdressing-demotivational-poster-1283598070I have discovered over the past 5 years I have been superbly procrastinating my advances with my transition. One of which is exploring with wardrobe changes. I didn’t know it has been that long until I was cleaning my room.

There were many drafts of plans I made long ago of “planning” how and when I would go about transition stuff. Yes, it is silly to map out things but that’s how I operate. Unfortunately this planning on papers I found were dated 3-5 years ago.

I sat and thought in a long ponder. If I keep going at this rate; I will never accomplish and get past this hurdle. It’s not walk in the park to finally begin dressing around people or circumstances that do not support what you are doing. Other times you never know who will support you till you do it. Irregardless, it finally hit me that I need to stop waiting on BS factors such as but not limited to: weight, money, living alone, etc.

Something that I have always said is that we don’t get younger. I have been to many gender support groups now and sometimes was the youngest person in the meeting. They all say they wish they had started when they were younger. There are many factors at play that prevents one from starting a transitions journey. It all comes down to when you are personally ready.

I had some close calls with my bike riding adventures recently that put these thoughts into play. 4 times now: I have been nearly hit by a car. It really made me realize we can die at any time as well as I don’t want to die without having tried being myself. It would suck to die as an identity I didn’t agree with. Since then, I have been like Nike “Just do it”.

Not sure if I said this before but a vast majority of people don’t care what you are doing (depending on where you live of course). Many times than rare, people have different things on their mind. They may look at you; but its because they have the right to do so with the eyes that wander. If you stick out, of course you will be looked at. So what if they look?

In my Speech class, the Professor got into worrying and thinking about what others think. It is none of our business to wonder what others are thinking of. Everyone has a right to think what and privately evaluate things in their head. Now that I look at it, its SO silly to keep being self-conscious about what others would think about me.

It took around 5 years and assisted from a variety of people, but I’m happy to be out of that state. I can now get up and go on with my life. The Sociology teacher had said: If you were to die right now, what 3 words do you want on your grave? My response was: Life is short. I’ve spent 5 years worrying in my own head about other people but my own happiness.

I’ve halted myself because I was afraid of others reactions. I basically put my own happiness on hold to make sure people were ok around me. That is NO longer ok. The metaphor I have adapted is that currently I am a flower that is planted. Some caring individuals are watering me with a safe haven and love. Soon, I will bloom into a beautiful rose no matter if you like it or not.

Our house is for sale so I been spending time going through all my stuff. Probably around 3 years ago; I have been gathering together a variety of clothes and shoes of the female expression. Occasionally it has been explored with in private but it would depress me when I could be in an environment to explore more with it.

Then I finally got the opportunity. I did have chances to dress up in the local gender support group but I still had inner conflicts on how to go about it. In Fort Lauderdale, there was another group I was invited to attend. The bike riding had already helped me upkeep body shaving so I was ready to try something like a skirt.

I thought for a while and said what the hell lets do it!. I put on (all female attire), a white polo, a hidden corset, boyshorts, khaki skirt, and brown ankle boots. It was cute and I was in love with the outfit. It felt amazing. Not in sexual stimulation but in mental bliss. It was finally something that felt right and comfortable. Out of fear, I have been wearing pants as much as I can.

Looking back I should have practicing walking in those boots more haha. I arrived to meet a friend who was going to take me to the group. He was happy that I finally made some steps to go forward. There was 4 people at the bus stop across from the car looking at me, but I paid no attention. I did have lots of adrenaline from this new experience but it felt great!

We arrived to the group and the people at the center was warm welcoming us. It was nice to be in public  even though I knew I was no where near passable. I had no make up, hair is short, and still a male voice (with possible 5-o’clock shadow). It was simply a cross-dressing experience in a place I would not be judged. On the way back I had then thought to ask my mother if she would like to see my new look.

Just as I said above; you never know peoples response and support till you try whatever it is. My mother said nice, and that the look reminded of herself when she was younger. I was overjoyed of the unknown response. It opened new doors for my house and public exploration. I would like to say I completely have overcome my fears of starting but there will still be first time jitters about it.

I do look forward as I lose weight to keep shifting my wardrobe into a more neutral look with feminine expression. It was a pleasant experience to finally be free and I’m not sure why I didn’t “just do it” 5 years ago. Doesn’t matter though, as I have gained greater self confidence at this point to be more comfortable with myself. I suggest to all who is embarking on their cross-dressing adventures or are transgender; “Just do it” and “we don’t get younger” because life is short.

bicycle2Earlier this year I was fixated on running a marathon. Unfortunately, only in my head did I think I could run.  Over the year I always rode my bike to work until I started to use different cars at times. My logic was thinking if I did long distance walking, I could start running the same.

Turns out that idea failed as well. I pondered one day; what if I just start to ride around. I didn’t have gas money most of the time and I wanted to go to the beach. It was during that “awakening” I had referred to; it was time to start exploring new options.

I rode my bike the same distances I was walking. It only made more sense to me. It did provide more of a danger because drivers see cyclists less than walkers. Irregardless It was enjoyable and less harsh on my feet. I started off with the same 8 miles I was doing with the walking. Not much challenge it was because of my current conditions from the gas station job.

Then I thought, let me just try going to the beach. It was a 6.5 mile trip one way. I completed it with the same no challenge. It was a plus that I could swim while at the beach for added activity. As of this post, I have been riding my bike for a month. My bike is a standard Schwinn Beach Cruiser with gears. Its not the best for long distances but I make due with what I have.

Over time I needed more challenge. I am the type that likes to be worn our and sore after physical activity. My logic says if I am not sore or tired, I didn’t try hard enough. Therefore I started to find creative ways to increase my millage without changing my route. I scouted through Google Earth; and plotted the best roads to go with the lease traffic while going down extra streets.

Eventually I increased the route to a challenging 12.5 miles one way. Sometimes if I swam; I would have trouble completing the same return trip and therefore reverted to the 6.5 mile route on the way back. either way I have increased the bike ride from 13 miles into 18-25 miles. The initial time it took me was a 4 hour time window. Now it takes me 2.5-3 hours. I increased the speed I traveled with the increased strength.

When I first started to ride my bike I was 233 pounds. One month later I am 223 with great leg developments. Some “fitted pants” I had to give up because of the muscle gains haha. I then decided to get adventurous and start making long distance goals. The local malls are 10-11 miles away, I hopped on the bike and made it there.

As long as I am hyrdated and there isn’t much wind gust, I desire to push further and harder than I ever went (with injury prevention in mind). Running never gave me the same drive. I actually dreaded running. Bike riding is my new love and will work more wonders than running will ever provide. I will do my best with my current bike even though it is not made for long distances.

I have been looking at light weight racing bikes to be optimistic to upgrade into something that will open up new doors. You can only go so fast and far with a beach cruiser. It takes an intense amount of energy to maintain 12 MPH on the type of bike i have, for the millage I go. While I don’t have a racing bike; I see this as a positive factor as extra fat burn until I can afford the fancy bike.

Currently I am happy with the rate and effects bike riding is doing for me. I guess running and marathon racing isn’t for me. It was a learning lesson but I won’t beat myself up for trying it out. Better to have tried than always wonder the “what ifs”. I look forward to bringing more positive updates on my bike riding adventures.

Good question.

Life has interesting twists, turns, and adventures. Some of which have distracted me from here. I do have great joy in this blogging process. I am not exactly an entertainer type; this page is more of a public diary of my life. It is quite fun to be transparent with nothing to hide. I suggest this method to all but some have employers to hide from lol. I had once said that I’d rather get hired for who I am, and not for what I’m not. Simple concept but it also isn’t fair that employers will Google your name just to see what pops up.

Since April I have been working often and doing random things. I cannot pin point exactly where I been but I will try to dig deep. Guild wars during the summer was my addiction that took me away from Word Press. I had enjoyed coming on here daily at the time but Guild Wars was a longer hobby. In the game I was highly focused on getting certain achievements completed and farming for certain armor pieces. Now that I have most of what I want with a side of burned out; I am bored of the game.

Guild Wars will always have a place in my heart. Life is developing fast for me at the moment and well; my priorities and interests have changed. I finally had an awakening. I am tired of being overweight, lazy, and isolated. Guild Wars had kept me in the house for thousands of hours. The beach was always a place of healing for me. I didn’t have gas money and I did have a bike. Therefore I started to ride my bike to the beach. I will expand upon the bike rides in another post.

Sometimes, I have noticed attention issues of staying dedicated to tasks. I would always start something and have trouble finishing. In Guild Wars after I started a Guild of my own:  I really learned about staying committed and until the end of whatever it was. The bike rides/exercising is a commitment that I will continue no matter if I reach my goals or not. The primary motivational factors of the exercise was not just for looks.

There were some health issues that popped up along the way I had to take care of. My blood test shown that I need to eat better and be more active. In my closet I had plenty of clothes that I could wear but no where near yet use. I also read many articles that talked about how exercise can boost mental health. Anything that can make me feel better I am down to try.  Just not drugs haha.

I also departed from my job. As for that situation I do not wish to directly disclose the events that occurred there but what I can say is that I got sick of all the conditions present and left. Once I had quit, I slept better, felt better, and was better. That job was very toxic to my life. It was the primary cause of my caffeine addiction that took 2 months to get rid of. Monster and Red Bull was my beverage at the time. It was one of the many things that made me in a bad state of mind since I was last on here.

Lots of side tracking does occur time to time. Once I got into the grove of things, I then learned how to time management well. In the last Month or so; I did encounter an amazing woman who swept me off my feet to keep my busy 😛 She is the sweetest person who has entered my life like an angel. That is all really I can think of that has occurred since April. I got lazy, game addiction, work made me tired, and bad time management.

I have not returned and will stay committed to this hobby.

As of September, I finally got back into college. Earlier this year I had said that the primary hurdle was unlocking the transcript from financial obligations. Turns out that the withdrawn classes had prevented me admissions into University of Central Florida and from obtaining Financial Aid. It was another pickle in the jar I had to figure out. The red flags on the PantherWeb didn’t show up till last minute.

I had to appeal with letters why I left the classes when I did. My reasons were under medical issues out of my control. Therefore I had to get my doctors to write letters in hopes the Financial Aid appeal board out hear my case. 2 weeks later I received a letter that it was approved from a trial semester right before the express term. I was overjoyed that it was approved right in time to make it into some classes. Waiting until January wasn’t a good option so we went ahead with express term 3 (September-December).

Financial Aid said that they were in an audit phase so I would have to pay upfront then get reimbursed. It was around 700 for classes and 80 for books via Chegg. My Mother sponsored my term which she will get reimbursed this October. I am thankful for her support in my educational pursuits. The 2 classes enrolled are: Introductory Sociology and Speech. Both are very fun and interesting classes I look forward to sharing more about in the future.

As per University of Central Florida; I really wanted to go, but it is these classes I withdrawn from to repeat. I will have them completed by end of Spring 2014. After that, I will then be able to apply for any Universities depending on retest of SAT/ACT scores. Until then, I will study well, read all, and do my best .

24593_109709375712077_926265_nI have an inner debate going on that involves work. This template of issues is not only limited to minimum wage jobs, it can be any workplace that lacks certain morals and ethics. Duty is what my job description is and other tasks associated to it. Pride is how I perform the work and how well I do so. Recognition would be forms of acknowledgement, gains, or verbal praise. My workplace has issues with duty vs. recognition.

I will not call out where I work but they are doing it all wrong. I am not expecting a medal for any good thing I do nor am i asking for attention. This workplace thinks that no recognition should occur because if they do, it will make the employees think they are doing enough and therefore the owner thinks laziness will spawn in result to that. All I have to say is wow when I heard that it was the biggest pile of $h1t I have ever heard.

What kind of legitimate business has no process to let their employees know if they are doing a good job? Only bad performance is recognized and given attention. The next biggest crock of $h1t I heard is that the owner believes his form of thank you for the work we do is our pay check. I am being paid for my time exchange so its rightfully mine. The owner doesn’t grant me money because I do stuff for him. In his world he believes the previous statement.

Just because its my duty to do something and why I got hired, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t get positive recognition for doing good work. I am not seeking any raises, bonuses, prizes, etc, all I want is a “I appreciate the work you do”. Is that soo much to ask? Just acknowledgement that I work hard compared to the other lazy [explicit words] that I work with. I work hard because I have pride in everything I do. Even if its minimum wage and no one will ever know the work I do, I take pride in it.

That pride can last so long. It gets to a point where you feel like your being used and abused. That practice of the mind game to make us work harder doesn’t work on me. I work hard because that’s my work ethics. I always enjoy out-working co-workers. Not to make them look bad, it helps to make sure I am putting in honest efforts. The main issue that is coming into play is that why should I do XYZ tasks that literally wear me down into pain if no one knows I ever did it?

If that XYZ task only keeps that certain thing clean until morning time and therefore gets dirty again; who will know the difference? owner and management sure as hell don’t know what I do. I walk around the parking lot and make it spotless. Whats the point if it will return to the same conditions in 3 hours time. I understand its my duty to perform those XYZ tasks but doing them now without recognition/acknowledgement creates dread.

I almost want to be lazy now because of that lack. Its almost negating my good work ethics if no one cares what I do. To make a point clear, this post doesn’t involve my passion. Just a temporary job that has practices that might be similar in other job sites. I appreciate the fact this crap job is reinforcing my push to get into better work and education. I just hope after that building into dream occupation that I don’t encounter the same conditions.

I enjoy making posts no matter if people read them or not. Difference is that here is not a workplace. This site doesn’t play mind games on me to see if I work harder. WordPress nor its community doesn’t treat me like dog (figuratively speaking, I treat and love dogs well). I have pride in what I do here as well. Probably when it comes down to it, I have to not depend on others to recognize my workplace performance. That expectation is only hurting me and no one else.

As a side note, I loved the way the military did recognition. They had reviews, ribbons, medals and badges. All of which included an honorable respect factor. It created something that people would look up to you and others idol your successes. It was fun to me to wear and show off things I did. Those things I wore on my uniform tell a story just like the rest of the service members.

[LANGUAGE WARNING IN VIDEO] – Kevin Hart, Laugh at my pain. Watch and I will explain why.

When I am work I enjoy a random laugh with customers if it is not busy. As a customer was leaving I was randomly saying “alright alright”. The next customers who have seen this show as well said “alright alright alrighttttttt”. My response was “you gonna learn today”

Due to the nature of the common knowledge of this Kevin Hart’s show, it was a nice joint laugh with people I do not know. In my opinion random laughter as much as you can with strangers or not; is some of the best things in life.

dtl_brn_peanut2

I am not really into reviewing products but thought I had to unofficially promote something 😛 I am a big fan of “Muscle Milk Brand” products because of their unique tastes and light versions. Muscle milks will always be my first choice even with this discovery. “Lenny and Larry’s all natural peanut butter muscle brownie” is superbly delicious.

In 7-Eleven I came across this brownie out of curiosity. I was getting into meal replacement protein bars at first but brownies had caught my attention. Little Debbie brownies are my favorite and if this  happens to have protein and Little Debbie brownie taste; it would be the best supplement choice ever. Turns out it doesn’t taste like chalk and it actually resembles brownie taste.

We all know cookies and cream protein bars DO NOT taste like they state haha. This brownies taste blows the other protein bars out of the water. Its a must try at least once, even if you are into other protein sources. My only issue with this is the sugar content. It’s 24g if you eat the whole thing. Unfortunately, on a sugar reduction plan this brownie will be on occasion for me.

If that isn’t an issue for you, try it and you won’t regret doing so. Check out their website at: http://www.lennylarry.com

(This is a self-initiated review. I do not represent nor endorse any products on this site. I do not represent nor speak for the Lenny and Larry company. This post has no intentions to false advertise or unofficially advertise. No commercial usage or gains here)