I have come to a critical point in my emotional and mental health. I have consulted many and researched others who have transitioned before me. There is a time; that things become intense, and there is an ultimatum type of thought process that consumes you. You are confronted with suffering from doing nothing to the point of potential suicide or actually act upon pursuing happiness.
It seems like absolutes and a simple thing to decide. Death or work towards happiness. Well to any that know Creed, he has a song called One last breath. Sometimes it “seems” like easier work to die than it is to work towards something. “6 feet from the edge…maybe 6 feet isn’t so far”. The reasoning means that silly solution of suicide is easier to complete than going miles towards something better.
Luckily from Army training and therapy, I have gained self control techniques to prevent myself from obtaining such points. I don’t think I would be alive today if I wasn’t in the Army. In the military back in 2008, I was told suicide was the #2 killer of all soldiers. Therefore they did around 5: 30-60 min training sessions about suicide prevention for yourself and “battle buddies”. I am alive now and highly thankful for what they instructed. Very easy to remember 1-800-SUICIDE as well.
I already did a post covering suicide but that feelings of doom has come back to breath on my shoulder. Logically speaking yes 6 feet isn’t so far. I did some soul searching as inspired from my new favorite movie: Inception. This movie has taught me a lot about the sub-conscious effects on our daily life. There are lots of deep engrained thoughts that affect many aspects. On that same note, sub-conscious can be tapped in view to see “what’s under the hood”.
Many times our answers to what we seek when it comes to decisions or issues is inside us. We just have too much internal noise to actually listen in on what is there. I wanted to know what exactly was keeping me in such a depressed potentially suicidal state of hating life. After watching; I was like I wonder if I too can dig deep inside like investigative psychology. With great effort I obtained success. The primary fuel to my depression was not doing anything about my transitions.
Yes I was starting to fool around with cross-dressing on one occasion. What was I truly doing to make changes? Now that I dug deep I was confronted with said absolutes. Suffer in pain because I am doing nothing? death? or work towards happiness? My sub-conscious answered this by saying there is hope, I am happy to be a woman at heart and now I must bloom and express this vividly. All I had to do was JUST BE because I was something. I just suppressed myself into a internal jail.
It was the biggest crime I can do to myself to not actually be myself. I have come to a point in my life where I need to act now. Those same individuals that really got into transitions said: “finally got sick of the shit of being fake, time to get up and live”. It was to some a phase of do it or not worth living. It was like nitrous to their motivation of transition.
I have fears of leaving my “comfort zones”. It was too comfortable to fool everyone what I am not than it was to express my true nature. Once I progress there is no turning back. No more pondering if and when. JUST DO IT. I kind of love the idea but it still spooks me. There will be lots of biological responses from this new territory of exploration, which is natural.
I am looking forward to acting NOW. I just recently discovered that I become disgruntled or easily irritable when in male clothes. Well that means I just have to adjust my wardrobe to what I can. That was the biggest keys to an initial boost that I really need. I have to next surround myself with people that will support this rocky road.
It is a waste to invest into people that will provide no returns. I know by now who will be at my side throughout this process. While I see great happiness opportunities from finally blooming; it is not going to be a process of daisies and roses. There will be resistance and hurdles. Many internal challenges will have to be overcame.
The “point of no return” actually helps reassure me that I am finally leaving my old self that I could not work with. It is a new friendly reminder that I am no longer stuck at the starting line. I’ll cross it with bravery and pride. No longer will I be coward to the crippling depression. Once that starting line is crossed; its full speed to run my life and not others do so for me.
Nice to know that this is a common phase to all who initially hit a wall, into finally jumping in on work. Some start less harshly, but I guess I had to be shoved. That is ok. We are all on unique journeys and now one transition is the same path as others. They may all follow a general trend but all one of a kind. Just like a flower we each are.
World, get ready for me to bloom: