My Transitioning Psychology: Point of no return

I have come to a critical point in my emotional and mental health. I have consulted many and researched others who have transitioned before me. There is a time; that things become intense, and there is an ultimatum type of thought process that consumes you. You are confronted with suffering from doing nothing to the point of potential suicide or actually act upon pursuing happiness.

It seems like absolutes and a simple thing to decide. Death or work towards happiness. Well to any that know Creed, he has a song called One last breath. Sometimes it “seems” like easier work to die than it is to work towards something. “6 feet from the edge…maybe 6 feet isn’t so far”. The reasoning means that silly solution of suicide is easier to complete than going miles towards something better.

Luckily from Army training and therapy, I have gained self control techniques to prevent myself from obtaining such points. I don’t think I would be alive today if I wasn’t in the Army. In the military back in 2008, I was told suicide was the #2 killer of all soldiers. Therefore they did around 5: 30-60 min training sessions about suicide prevention for yourself and “battle buddies”. I am alive now and highly thankful for what they instructed. Very easy to remember 1-800-SUICIDE as well.

I already did a post covering suicide but that feelings of doom has come back to breath on my shoulder. Logically speaking yes 6 feet isn’t so far. I did some soul searching as inspired from my new favorite movie: Inception. This movie has taught me a lot about the sub-conscious effects on our daily life. There are lots of deep engrained thoughts that affect many aspects. On that same note, sub-conscious can be tapped in view to see “what’s under the hood”.

Many times our answers to what we seek when it comes to decisions or issues is inside us. We just have too much internal noise to actually listen in on what is there. I wanted to know what exactly was keeping me in such a depressed potentially suicidal state of hating life. After watching; I was like I wonder if I too can dig deep inside like investigative psychology. With great effort I obtained success. The primary fuel to my depression was not doing anything about my transitions.

Yes I was starting to fool around with cross-dressing on one occasion. What was I truly doing to make changes? Now that I dug deep I was confronted with said absolutes. Suffer in pain because I am doing nothing? death? or work towards happiness? My sub-conscious answered this by saying there is hope, I am happy to be a woman at heart and now I must bloom and express this vividly. All I had to do was JUST BE because I was something. I just suppressed myself into a internal jail.

It was the biggest crime I can do to myself to not actually be myself. I have come to a point in my life where I need to act now. Those same individuals that really got into transitions said: “finally got sick of the shit of being fake, time to get up and live”. It was to some a phase of do it or not worth living. It was like nitrous to their motivation of transition.

I have fears of leaving my “comfort zones”. It was too comfortable to fool everyone what I am not than it was to express my true nature. Once I progress there is no turning back. No more pondering if and when. JUST DO IT. I kind of love the idea but it still spooks me. There will be lots of biological responses from this new territory of exploration, which is natural.

I am looking forward to acting NOW. I just recently discovered that I become disgruntled or easily irritable when in male clothes. Well that means I just have to adjust my wardrobe to what I can. That was the biggest keys to an initial boost that I really need. I have to next surround myself with people that will support this rocky road.

It is a waste to invest into people that will provide no returns. I know by now who will be at my side throughout this process. While I see great happiness opportunities from finally blooming; it is not going to be a process of daisies and roses. There will be resistance and hurdles. Many internal challenges will have to be overcame.

The “point of no return” actually helps reassure me that I am finally leaving my old self that I could not work with. It is a new friendly reminder that I am no longer stuck at the starting line. I’ll cross it with bravery and pride. No longer will I be coward to the crippling depression. Once that starting line is crossed; its full speed to run my life and not others do so for me.

Nice to know that this is a common phase to all who initially hit a wall, into finally jumping in on work. Some start less harshly, but I guess I had to be shoved. That is ok. We are all on unique journeys and now one transition is the same path as others. They may all follow a general trend but all one of a kind. Just like a flower we each are.

World, get ready for me to bloom:

Jess 😀

First public cross-dressing experience.

I have discovered over the past 5 years I have been superbly procrastinating my advances with my transition. One of which is exploring with wardrobe changes. I didn’t know it has been that long until I was cleaning my room.

There were many drafts of plans I made long ago of “planning” how and when I would go about transition stuff. Yes, it is silly to map out things but that’s how I operate. Unfortunately this planning on papers I found were dated 3-5 years ago.

I sat and thought in a long ponder. If I keep going at this rate; I will never accomplish and get past this hurdle. It’s not walk in the park to finally begin dressing around people or circumstances that do not support what you are doing. Other times you never know who will support you till you do it. Irregardless, it finally hit me that I need to stop waiting on BS factors such as but not limited to: weight, money, living alone, etc.

Something that I have always said is that we don’t get younger. I have been to many gender support groups now and sometimes was the youngest person in the meeting. They all say they wish they had started when they were younger. There are many factors at play that prevents one from starting a transitions journey. It all comes down to when you are personally ready.

I had some close calls with my bike riding adventures recently that put these thoughts into play. 4 times now: I have been nearly hit by a car. It really made me realize we can die at any time as well as I don’t want to die without having tried being myself. It would suck to die as an identity I didn’t agree with. Since then, I have been like Nike “Just do it”.

Not sure if I said this before but a vast majority of people don’t care what you are doing (depending on where you live of course). Many times than rare, people have different things on their mind. They may look at you; but its because they have the right to do so with the eyes that wander. If you stick out, of course you will be looked at. So what if they look?

In my Speech class, the Professor got into worrying and thinking about what others think. It is none of our business to wonder what others are thinking of. Everyone has a right to think what and privately evaluate things in their head. Now that I look at it, its SO silly to keep being self-conscious about what others would think about me.

It took around 5 years and assisted from a variety of people, but I’m happy to be out of that state. I can now get up and go on with my life. The Sociology teacher had said: If you were to die right now, what 3 words do you want on your grave? My response was: Life is short. I’ve spent 5 years worrying in my own head about other people but my own happiness.

I’ve halted myself because I was afraid of others reactions. I basically put my own happiness on hold to make sure people were ok around me. That is NO longer ok. The metaphor I have adapted is that currently I am a flower that is planted. Some caring individuals are watering me with a safe haven and love. Soon, I will bloom into a beautiful rose no matter if you like it or not.

Our house is for sale so I been spending time going through all my stuff. Probably around 3 years ago; I have been gathering together a variety of clothes and shoes of the female expression. Occasionally it has been explored with in private but it would depress me when I could be in an environment to explore more with it.

Then I finally got the opportunity. I did have chances to dress up in the local gender support group but I still had inner conflicts on how to go about it. In Fort Lauderdale, there was another group I was invited to attend. The bike riding had already helped me upkeep body shaving so I was ready to try something like a skirt.

I thought for a while and said what the hell lets do it!. I put on (all female attire), a white polo, a hidden corset, boyshorts, khaki skirt, and brown ankle boots. It was cute and I was in love with the outfit. It felt amazing. Not in sexual stimulation but in mental bliss. It was finally something that felt right and comfortable. Out of fear, I have been wearing pants as much as I can.

Looking back I should have practicing walking in those boots more haha. I arrived to meet a friend who was going to take me to the group. He was happy that I finally made some steps to go forward. There was 4 people at the bus stop across from the car looking at me, but I paid no attention. I did have lots of adrenaline from this new experience but it felt great!

We arrived to the group and the people at the center was warm welcoming us. It was nice to be in public  even though I knew I was no where near passable. I had no make up, hair is short, and still a male voice (with possible 5-o’clock shadow). It was simply a cross-dressing experience in a place I would not be judged. On the way back I had then thought to ask my mother if she would like to see my new look.

Just as I said above; you never know peoples response and support till you try whatever it is. My mother said nice, and that the look reminded of herself when she was younger. I was overjoyed of the unknown response. It opened new doors for my house and public exploration. I would like to say I completely have overcome my fears of starting but there will still be first time jitters about it.

I do look forward as I lose weight to keep shifting my wardrobe into a more neutral look with feminine expression. It was a pleasant experience to finally be free and I’m not sure why I didn’t “just do it” 5 years ago. Doesn’t matter though, as I have gained greater self confidence at this point to be more comfortable with myself. I suggest to all who is embarking on their cross-dressing adventures or are transgender; “Just do it” and “we don’t get younger” because life is short.

My Transitioning Psychology: To dress or not to dress

 

This is probably the second biggest inner battle that is encountered. When does one go about wardrobe change? Some will tell you its appearance based, while other’s say its when your ready. People like me just go crazy and take a long time to determine when that time is right.

There are legitimate reasons of halting the start of dressing. Some of which can be facial hair growing back too fast, block shaped body that fits oddly in curved clothing, or harassment potential if you live in the wrong areas. Keep in mind though I am aware that body shapes shouldn’t be a factor. I have been also told that there are tricks to hide facial hair but I don’t know of any.

Sometimes when you personally have to wait till you are ready, procrastination will kick in and that day will be a long time away. I am thankful that there are key people I am meeting who are assisting with wardrobe adjustments. In a support group meeting I have pointed out that dressing is supplementary to your expressions and that expressions shouldn’t be primarily based on how you dress.

Being you own biggest critic as explained in the past hinders this process the most. We see things a lot different than the public would. I have known some cross-dressers who actually get positive comments while they are in disputes of their looks. Its one thing of not sure what to wear, and another not sure when to dress up more often.

There are some out there like me that let weight status stop us from dressing. Funny part is that I observe many biological women wear things that barely fit them or otherwise present un-tastefully. In the end we have to only make ourselves happy via putting on whatever clothing we desire right? I have no room to judge against big females as a male attempting to cross-dress.

When one transitions, its not really like “playing dress up” as it seems. Its working towards that supplementary level of expressions that helps boost who I am. Transgender people mostly do not dress differently for any forms of sexual gratification. One has to dress the part they desire. One thing I am glad is that male to female transitioner’s do not have a certain look they are going for.

I do observe that some have obsessions with high heels but that occurs with only some. I will not call out which group goes for XYZ look that makes them stick out. If I did then you would know exactly what I mean. As for the picture of the dress, I am not going towards a dress anytime soon. There is no practical situations for me to utilize one. Even if that is true doesn’t mean I wouldn’t wear one.

A dress is an interesting garment that has evolved in the fashion industry of different shapes, sizes, and materials. Dresses to me are the prime representation of elegance and being feminine. There are some biological women I know that hate dresses but they fail to see what beauty traditions come out of them.

Therefore in my persistent pondering of when to start dressing the part, I will just have to be like nike; “just do it”. I have to put aside factors like my body shape, weight status, and the inner critic to disappear.

My Transitioning Psychology: Clubbing

Haha my art skills are getting a tad better already 😛 Going clubbing can be a great experience if you are in the mood for loud music, getting bumped on accident and willing to sweat if a place gets packed. I have only been to clubs in my city area so far and they do not represent clubs around the world. Either way I would like to share my feelings and experience from going to gender rigid, straight clubs. I have not had a chance to go to a gay club, nor have I been to a drag night like I would want to.

I would like to clarify I do not know how to dance and that doesn’t stop me from grooving to the music. Lots of cash on hand is not required either because its a DANCE club not a drunks lounge (although many guys make it so). Main reason I can finally say I do not need much cash is for the fact of I cannot drink while on medications. I am not against drinking but its a sad fact many people have to loosen up via drinks instead of enabling it themselves. That is only my point of view.

My personal issues begins with the dress codes. Men are expected to wear something specific in most clubs I have been to. Women can wear pretty much a large variety of anything and not become worried about being turned away at the door. Believe it or not, clubs do not have or let you in and can deny entrance to any they please. There is no issue with me to get my ID checked but besides that no matter how good I cross-dress in the future; what will a bouncer respond to my male identity on my ID?

I am not ready to dress as of yet so this potential issue is just in my head and no where near yet of trying to find out. I would like to believe if that I pass enough, no one will pay much attention. My main intentions when clubbing is to either lounge at a table or dance with random people. So far as a male I have not experienced too much friendly dancing partners. Most women (who desire dancing partners) want a clean cut guy with confidence. Those are shoes I cannot fill.

I try to force myself to fill those shoes and even SOBER. There are some guys who will not even touch a dance floor without being wasted. I still think that method is quite silly. There was also times a couple women came my way to dance and I ended up being too nervous on what to do. I am not all about bumping and grinding, just want someone to acknowledge me on the dance floor.

I understand some like to go to clubs as a place for drinking, eye candy, and loud music without desire to dance. It gets me flustered and lost mood when I would go with people who would just stand in the corner and watch others have the fun. It’s a dance club, a place to dance with your special person, friends, or with other single people. Guys are very homophobic. Its nice to see lady friends dance in groups and do not care who is watching.

Straight clubs in my observations seem like places to prove something. It seems with the guys that go, they have to display their dominance in a room like a lion. When girls go its as if they are flaunting their feathers for potential mates. There is no room for gender variants parse when it comes to the general scheme of things. Its hard to mingle in because at the moment I am not displaying nor flaunting.

I wish I could experience what they are like the picture. Ladies night by example, the girls would come into the club as packs. Watching them having a good time saddens me because I wish I had female friends, and was one of them in that fun experience. Guys would never dance in groups because they fear it would look gay or something. Therefore I will never experience being a lady in a pack, having fun for a long while.

No more will I stand against the side with inner conflicts of jealousy/sadness of not being a lady who is dressed to impress and dancing without caring who’s watching. The reason I do not ditch clubbing altogether even when I stopped drinking and have inner conflicts, is because there will be the day, Jessie becomes the life of the party. Remembering that adds hope in this cold world.

My Transitioning Psychology: What is love?

Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more. Haha great song but that’s besides the point. People think that gender expressions has a direct link to sexuality. There is a direct independence of those 2. I thought about covering sexuality vs gender in a post but it would redundant to this one. On one hand love is blind and can occur from anywhere at anytime. There are many forms of love, but point being any love is better than hate.

I have an anxiety of finding love right now. Its not that I am afraid to be with someone. I am afraid of rejection because its a red flag to be transgender to some straight people out there. Love is suppose to overlook appearances but too often lust overpowers love. Lust is based on appearance. For a long time I never explored my sexuality. If it all I never even tried because I was hot mess of figuring out my own identity.

Deep inside I will take any love I can get, but not in a form of desperation. I am in no rush nor obligation to lose what society calls virginity. Yes on one hand its a social pressure to lose said virginity but whats that worth of just doing sexual acts without love. On other hand I do like women to an extent but I don’t feel I meshed well during attempted relations. I would date then my own conflicts would come to mind of my role in the relations.

Through a long term digging I think I would mesh better with men, but not as a man; a woman. I have met many people who have transitioned male to female but still enjoy to be with females. I believe I would be a straight woman and their case would be deemed as a lesbian. Still the factor on how love is blind, I never know if a female might come my way in life. If that is so, I am ok with that.

What would be better is like the picture. Being swept off your feet just like biological woman would desire. Being embraced and the warm secure feeling it provides via being with a male is something I would prefer. The list can go on of my preference but I will leave it as that. I have seen some romantic movies with a couple and I would fantasize being the female in the relations. It would seem right, also if that’s where the heart is; it probably is meant that way.

Here’s where my anxiety kicks in. If I “prefer” male to be in relations with, how do I go about finding someone without the label of transgender. I do have desire to integrate but disclosure is required for potential partners. I have seen many documentaries of trans people attempting to date. Some are successful and others are not. I don’t blame males looking for a real deal biological females for family making body parts.

There are guys out there though what know love is blind. Billions of humans on this planet, someone has to be out there that will love me as a woman. Its just a matter of time but being single for so many years its taking its tolls on me. I do not wish to date females right now because I cannot fit the role of the male they seek. Its quite a middle ground to be in. I don’t exactly present myself as female either.

It will be a long time till I am loved romantically. so to anyone out there I could use a hug…

My Transitioning Psychology: Label vs Integration

Personally I do not like labels of any kind. A situation occurs in many that are transitioning and for myself. There are times we will use the label of Transgender then later, integrate into target gender with elimination of that term use. So what comes to my mind why use the term if it will be dropped or is it used temporarily used for what is going on?

Well in the past there was a big debate on what terms were used for what. Currently Transgender is the general term for those that have what used to be called: Gender Identity Disorder in DSM-IV. It would also include that fact that not only is GID present, the individual is taking actions towards aligning to happiness on the gender spectrum. Once transition is complete integration is requested.

My thoughts on this is that yes, use the term transgender to identify solutions but not to use it as a label for oneself. Integration should be inquired throughout the process instead of disclosure to all that “I am trans”. In example I will, once initial steps are taken; identify myself as target gender to legal extents instead of saying I am transgender. Transgender is not a gender on the gender spectrum. Therefore that identification should not occur.

Granted using that term might be required for specific situations like when going to medical solutions or disclosure to a potential partner in life. If otherwise to legal limits; integrate by identifying to target gender throughout the transition process. It is a more wise decision in my point of view I have observed. The direct reason the exact number of transitioned individuals cannot be tracked is because most integrate after transition and never reveal themselves as transgender.

Most of us transitioning just desire to be embraced as how we feel inside. That alone should best display that integration is all we seek, no labels.

My Transitioning Psychology: Pressure Doubts

Good ol’ Wiki: Doubt, a status between belief and disbelief, involves uncertainty or distrust or lack of sureness of an alleged fact, an action, a motive, or a decision. Doubt brings into question some notion of a perceived “reality”, and may involve delaying or rejecting relevant action out of concerns for mistakes or faults or appropriateness.

Fear of the unknown.

Transitioning is no walk in the park. There are many hurdles, goals, and fears to conquer. Those are examples and are not limited to; can create pressures for some people like myself who is at the same time working on building a career track and independence. I understand to eat an elephant, one must do so a bite at a time but still being a realist can be a blessing and a problem.

I personally think to logically in many decisions. Transitioning isn’t necessarily a decision. It’s something you either do or run away as sadness controls you. Sometimes it seems easier to remain as my biological gender and force myself to fit the general role of male. In a strange realist way due to pressures it would seem easier to continue living as a male. In reality; continuing as a male as a confirmed transgender would be a terrible action.

These thoughts are not to be confused with denial. I am in acceptance of the situation at hand. There is just so much to do and achieve to obtain happiness that it seems like I will be worn out by the time I reach my goal. When these doubts occur I remember how I been networking with those that have walked the path before me on how they described the long term fulfillment and contentment from enduring the process.

There are times where I think about the Army career I could have had. I created a nice plan to become an officer in the Army which was one of my dream occupation choices. To think about it, as of the date of this post I could have been a 1st. Lt. officer on my way towards a Captain in a couple years if I kept playing my cards right. That may be indeed a “what if” moment but I live with no regrets, because I left to pursue my true happiness.

I am not expecting a smooth sailing to reach my goals. It just becomes too much as described sometimes that it makes me step out of the process for a second. It is interesting though to be able to see myself in third person for these reports. Well if I fell 7 times I will get up 8. That means I will use the tools provided from therapy and medical solutions to continue “without a doubt” because I know the right thing to do.