My Transitioning Psychology: Virtual Escape

[Screenshot from my characters in GW1 (left) and GW2 (right)]

Everyone who is transgender has some kind of escape from reality to help soothe the soul before or during transitioning. Some people get straight to the cross dressing, some do cos-play of favorite characters, some would visualize themselves as someone else. For me and possibly many others I have known like myself we have a virtual identity.

When I had looked into my past I had always like being the female characters in games. Sometimes or most times actually; I would feel that I had to force myself to be a male character to avoid embarrassment. Not sure why but at the time my friends only used male characters so therefore I has to “fit in” with what they were doing. Deep inside I wanted to always be that female person I selected and to show strength and courage that those characters have  just as much as the male ones. Young boys are very rigid at who they play as in a game. It wasn’t until high school time that I finally had the courage to openly start using female characters.

When I had worked for Target, the electronics team members were trying to influence me to play World of Warcraft. At the time I only worked weekends so I could not afford a monthly subscription to a game. What was going through my mind was how you can make a custom character, dress them up, and roam around with other people around the world. I loved the idea but wasn’t sure how to find something like WoW but for free. Then I had came across Guild Wars. It said Free to Play and I didn’t hesitate to buy. The minute I started this game I was in love.

It took me a good hour just being wondered on how I can make a virtual person and that people would communicate/role play to me as that person. It was a dream come true to live as a female on the internet. In no way did I go around and lie to people who I was. If I made friends and they asked if I was male/female I would tell them the truth. What I had enjoyed was that random people would call me by the character name and use the pronouns when talking about me. I had more  joy out of that than playing the game itself.

Speaking of being called by the character name; my name change is rooted from this game. I had liked the name Jess and made a character named Jessie the Survivor and Jess Wonder. It had a nice feeling when being called that name so secretly I was visualizing and testing out how it would be to actually have that name. Therefore I decided that I would love the name Jessie because it sounds neutral like Jesse but has the female spelling to it.

The last name I had created when daydreaming at the character select screen. I was in the guild [mist], like the name krystal, and lynn. Not sure how but it popped into my head to make Mystalyn. Now you know someone who has remade their name from inspiration via a game. Sometimes I chuckle at myself on how I came up with it but I love the decision and I would never go back. Not only was this fantasy world embracing my gender identity it game me a new name for that identity.

A virtual identity is in a way a good thing for my mind to escape and to release stresses of having gender issues. The problem lies in that I became dependent of this virtual experience or it would re-fuel my deep depression. At one point in time it almost became like a drug. I logged in everyday, and these virtual characters would embrace my self identity via the virtual one. It is not easy how to explain how I can be “feminine” over the internet character but it was like the matrix to me. I plugged in and I gave that character life.

I gained some great friends while living the virtual fantasy who embrace who I am on the inside not what I biologically am. I am very thankful for meeting these key people who I am still friends with today. I had explained my situation and they said it doesn’t matter what I am they recognize me as Jessie, a female friend because of the character I gave life to. These same friends helped me in dark times when I didn’t know how to go about seeking help to start transitional work. They were the listening ear before I went to therapy. Again I am very thankful for those friends and the virtual escape Guild Wars has provided for me.

My Transitioning Psychology: Self Images

 

[photo is Jas who finished her journey]

I have become my own biggest critic which sometimes hinders my progress. This photo of Jas best explains what happens with out thinking. We don’t exactly see an opposite sex version of ourselves but its the best example of our constant thoughts that are flowing. When we see things on applications that say male/female check one box; I would love to mark female without hesitation but I have to mechanically program myself to mark male.

Everyday and all day I would be thinking not as a male. I would feel totally different on the inside compared to what you would see on the outside. I would love to tell a cute guy that he is cute but I am halted by the fact I am biologically a male. That guy possibly wouldn’t want to hear that from another guy unless he is gay. EVEN if he was gay; he is looking for a man, not a man who has a woman heart who will transition in the future.

What hurts the most is that anything related to the target intended gender I cannot be involved in. Lets say that a couple female family members are going to paint their nails. I would love to join them but it makes an awkward situation because I am still presenting myself as a male for the lack of any transitional work. If my brain were to be transplanted into a female body I would be happy. I already have the self identity of one that is permanent.

Everyday I as I look into the mirror and see a guy staring back at me, its an image I can’t stand to live with. Its going to take a lot of effort, work, time and money to align to the outside who I am on the inside. I just wish I can find people who can embrace me as the woman I am even tho I present and currently am biologically male. Yes I understand via DNA I will always be male but I have to put in some work so that I can by recognized where I wish to be on the gender spectrum.

This provides conflict with the gender orientations in a specific way. Yes I am happy with working on expressions but I also need that reflection in the mirror to match. Its a long road ahead and transitions is lifelong, no just from A to B.

My Story – Part 4: To be? or not to be?

That was a question. Ok well not really 😛 but I finally went from denial to acceptance. This came after gaining stability from heavy drinking and darkness. Just like last post stated that I became better and happier the more I aligned myself. When I had changed my name I was superbly happy. Yes the pizzazz about it fell apart when people didn’t adjust to it on a timely basis. I am happy with that decision still no issue there.

I had discovered a place called Compass from Pridefest in downtown. This place was a great center of resources and a LGBT  community HQ of the sorts. It was a place you can go and be yourself no matter what. I came across that there was a Gender Support group 2 times a month. I went when I could and found others in similar situations from just getting started to fully transitioned. It was really nice to meet people in person on where I am about to go. It was still a time of baby steps and one of which is embracing what you can’t change and being yourself at all times. The people of the group inspire me to be just me, and nothing fake anymore. It was a big relief off my shoulders to an extent.

I had seen different therapists over time and all provided me tools and resources I still use today. 2 of them provided me the most life coaching I am thankful for. Currently as I am becoming a blooming rose of the sorts is going to do direct action assistance to help boost me into changes I need to start. At first I am soo wowed by it I didn’t know what to say. Being walked into your dreams is a thought so happy that it brings tears of happiness. I am very excited to embark upon public integration as a neutral-feminine status. For most once you get past that, its all good from there for the most part. some people’s dreams involve “things” or a certain “career”. My dream is to the best of my ability to be the woman I was meant to be.

This roller-coaster I been on for more than a decade has provided me many learning lessons ahead of my age group. Its nice from my learning to share it to others who can also use the tools from themselves. I never look at my past experiences as something I want to forget or think of the bad times as bad things. All experiences I gain help build me. Every time a hurricane passes you learn 2 things. 1) the hurricane isn’t going to sit on your head and stay there forever and 2) if something breaks you then learn have to make sure it doesn’t break the next time a hurricane passes.

“No matter if you think you can, or can’t either way you are right” love that quote who I forgot who said it. I used to think that it would too hard for me to start transitioning but the best way I thought on how to start is to just do it. I am being guiding into baby steps for this life process. Only one way to eat an elephant and that is one bite at a time. This is where I am now. I am starting to love myself so others can love me. Wardrobe exploring as well now. This is my story that shall be continued after any major steps. Posts after this one will not be in parts, but as updates on my journey.

 

My Story – Part 3: Suicide experiences

THIS IS A STORY OF A PAST EXPERIENCES. I AM FINE NOW 🙂

Suicide is sometimes a topic people don’t like to talk about much just as much as people going through it are afraid to ask for help. Either way its very common in the LGBT communities. Lots of people who are Transgender have experienced thoughts and some have taken their own life. May all who have passed rest well.

My experience with suicide ideation was mild compare to others. It occurred 3 major times but there was always a constant thought about not wanting to exist after the first episode. Its quite a dark thing to go through. Imagine going to sleep wishing you didn’t get up the next day and waking up the next day sad because its another you have to survive through. Its an inner battle of wanting to die but the body needing to survive. That may seem odd but if one does look into it from those who have done action on themselves have a biological fear reaction to survive. Its not a clean sweep and the body goes without a fight.

I am a very straight forward person now that isn’t afraid to get to the point, tell it like it is, or say anything with integrity. Funny part is some therapist or anyone has never heard me talk about these past experiences that much. Even after overcoming these dark times I was sometimes afraid to retouch this topic. Here it goes. In my dark times I had the stupid thoughts that a slice to the neck would be a way to go. There was one day I was heavily drinking and had the knife in my hand. I don’t know how to explain the feelings exactly of what it feels like when you have that inner battle of taking your own life and to fight against that at the same time, in tears, and sadness. It was a want to die but knew happiness was possible in future but the pain to great.

In the back of my mind had Army training kicked in from suicide training. One of which is to dial 1-800-SUICIDE. I didn’t think it was that easy of a number but it really is. They provided me a listening ear and soothing words to not do it. I am very thankful for that service they provided me and that they said I can call them anytime to just talk if I needed. The 2 major occurrences thereafter had different ways of help provided I am thankful for as well. The second one I remember something about the Trevor help line and decided to give them a call. They told me it was ok to be transgender but at the time I was still in anger with denial about it.

The 3rd occurrence was in the Army. The unit was on full alert and guard duty. It was my turn to guard the gate with live ammo. Keep in mind I haven’t handled weapons in a long time since training and that same time in a dark time. every min that passed with live ammo and an M203 felt like hours and I turned myself in with the self control I gained from the suicide training. I am very thankful for all of the training, and help lines that are out there. It helped me to choose life instead of death. Suicide is just a perma solution to a temp issue. Being transgender is of course a life long situation but does obtain a happiness point. All i need to do is reach it.

I come to find that the more I accept the fact I am transgender and someone else on the inside that needs to be expressed the more I felt fine or happy. Basically all I had to do was be myself but that’s hard to do after mean years of being fake. When one is fake that long as myself you forget who you once were. I reprogrammed myself so deep that it would take years to undo all of the hyper-masculinity I did. The main key: be myself on the gender spectrum and I will be ok. All of the pain goes away when I express my heart to the world. My heart is a woman and therefore I will be aligning myself to the expression. That expression was being myself. If all that is true then I am transgender just trying to be the woman I was suppose to be. Let the work begin…

My Story – Part 2: Post Grad & Army

After High School graduation was quite the roller coaster of experiences. In a way I can say that is fine because if it wasn’t then wouldn’t life be boring haha. This is the time when I made Google and Yahoo Answers my best friends. Through those searches and research I come to find that there was something called transgender. I knew my heart and on the inside I am female but still at the time, didn’t fully understand it. Happiness came out of research to finally pin why I felt sad for no reason but it should have been obvious from the simple fact I was fake for many years. There were many times of doubt and denial that I would have to alter my body to reach happiness. Still in the hypnosis of hyper-masculinity I thought that joining the Army would be my man making process and I was in a phase in my life or something.

I went to a Psychologist before boot camp to talk things out because before leaving I was still very deep in sadness everyday without cause. Looking back the cause was all because of me but I couldn’t see that at the time. The therapist said also I was transgender via describing how I feel and about my past. This conflicted with denial and that also I was leaving for the Army soon. The information was kept in the background until I finished training and went back home. I completed my training at Fort Benning which is nicknamed the School for Men as a joke because its home of the infantry. Infantry is currently a male only occupation. After training I still felt the same way before entering…I am still not myself. Being male was a total lie.

I came home in full blown depression. I tried to hide it the best I could until the drinking started. Depression can make you drink like no other. Some days I would drink half to 3/4 of a 1.75L Bacardi or Jack Daniels. It was a sickening dark time and all I could think was to drink to sooth the pain. It hurt to continue the lie and the more I lied to myself and others the more I just wanted to disappear. When I say disappear I mean suicide which I will cover next post.

I was happy that I lost 38 pounds through training to fit nice in woman’s clothes. That happiness was only temporary when I tried dressing up. Still confused and in denial I didn’t know what to do. The drinking stated above lead to eating more as fueled by depression. I regained all the weight and then some. That kept me in a perma state of sadness that had no possible way to be hidden anymore. The stress and sadness made me into a hermit and I would spend all my time on Guild Wars.

Not sure why but then after a long while, I returned back to therapy. The initial sessions helped to identify that 100% I am transgender under Gender Identity Disorder. Even with that discovery that I kinda already knew it was still left un-addressed. I gained somewhat control on the heavy depression by being able to talk some things out but the therapist at the time I went to reached a point he couldn’t help me much more of what I required. Much time was spent with the same therapist but resulted into almost casual conversations.

I needed serious help and I needed it now. As I went to weekend drills to my unit, the situation at hand saddened me that I was stuck in a male position and couldn’t get out even if I screamed. I was like a caged animal at a zoo. I needed to become wild and free again. An event occurred that will be touched in the next post that I reached my breaking point. I talked my situation to a Sgt. who was a good friend who then talked to the Commander. I talked to the Commander about my situation and then they said a decision would be made on what to do next.

The next drill weekend I was offered an Honorable Discharge or to sign against it to stay. I told them I think I know what I need to do so leaving is the final option. It was very surprising the situation was handled very professionally and on a timely basis. The process only took a month and I was out. The military is something I will always love and cherish. I had been accepted to Marion Military Institute, Army ROTC program to become an officer on a side note. It was a dream to be an officer in the Military. Its ok that chapter is done in my life and will do the job of honoring those in service instead.

TRANSITIONS DISCLAIMER

Disclaimer – Yes I understand this entity is available to be seen by anyone and I am fine with that. This blog is to document my life and this is about ALL aspects of it. To any future employers/friends/family that find this; this is who I am, where I had to be to become happy, and its NOT something you can be cured of sorry. If I could have remained a biological male, I would have and been an Officer in the US Army today but I can’t. One does not wake up and say hmm…I think I’m going to be opposite of my biological gender, spend lots of time, money, and patience on. No one yet knows the cause of what used to be called Gender Identity Disorder. It just is and you either align to happiness or result to suicide. I chose life and here is my story.

My story – Part 1: from K to 12

– Time line based on School levels (exact ages not remembered)

Elementary School – In my earliest times of schooling there was no understanding of who I was nor what I am suppose to be. To think of it most in those years will not anyhow. One thing did stand out I come to recall is that I would be fascinated with pretending my shoes were like high heels. I do not know why I did that but it was fun to do so. Lots of kids play dress up but I had lots of fun with it. But still at the time there are no known traces of being different from a boy.

Middle School – This was the main key time of discovery. I was a very quiet person so you would not know how I am till you talk or have relations with me. Therefore only select people saw my expressions and others didn’t detect I was feminine at the time.

    6th grade I had mannerisms, thoughts and actions that were not masculine. I did not fit in well with the rest of the boys in any classes nor activities like others had blended in no problem. My name at the time was AJ. I had then gained bullies that like to call me Gay-J because they saw the feminine traits in me when I “was suppose to be masculine like them.” humans fear what they do not understand and therefore show aggression to the unknown. Don’t believe that is true watch all the movies that involve aliens haha. I believe this is also the time I had cut a jeans into a skirt and would dress into it when no one was around at home.

    7th grade I started to become confused to identify how I was suppose to be as a boy because I was getting negative feedback for just being me. I was bullied constantly, picked on, and a couple times physically confronted into fights that I wouldn’t have won and glad it occurred in places that adults were nearby to stop them. I was frustrated that people did not like me and I was just being myself. This is the last known time of identifying I was different and being myself was the female expressions on the gender spectrum. I dated a girl later that year and was still picked on with people saying she was my cover up. She also told me I was weird but had no answer to why. In theory she did like me but sometimes I think she just felt sorry for me. I tried my best to be the man role in “playful young dating” but I couldn’t fill those shoes. I wasn’t comfortable being with a female even though I admired her and her beauty. It was hard to detach thoughts of her for 10 years because she was the first non-family member to like me when everyone else hated or didn’t care to get to know me.

    8th grade I gained the best friends of my life as a handful but what happened that year was a bad turning point. I suppressed all that I was and made myself manly. It was totally fake and I knew it but I was tired of getting picked on. I also started to get stronger and began to go against all those who picked on me. I gained lots of respect but not for who I really was; for the fake self I created in fear. I hate physical confrontations and am very much afraid to get fought. Yes I was fine but single handily created deep sadness, depression, and major depressive disorder after that year for suppressing via fears. Worst decision ever but it was survival to me. I then somehow achieved the good grades I needed to get into AFJROTC in high school. I had always like the military so it was a cool idea to do so. Little did I know I had also started a route of hyper masculinity.

High School – In my fears of being picked on again I continued the fake personality for my protection. I kept very low key and participated highly in the cadet activities. It was a a great distraction from the pain of not being myself. Marching teams totally helped the suppressing part because you have to maintain military bearing and stiffness. All of those experiences made me a very rigid sad person on the inside. I know something was wrong with it all but I had no idea how to fix that fact. Therefore I would become addicted to AFJROTC in my fears and became a workaholic in that program. Yes it did lead me to a top position in the unit but looking back I obtained it through the wrong motivation base. Hiding is all that I knew and grinding through high school was my main focus. I had encountered attempting to date 2 more girls in this time frame but in both, I still didn’t feel right and therefore didn’t last long. This didn’t mean I liked boys at the time. I just wanted to survive and graduate. There was gang activity on campus and in no way would I want to get worse physical matters. My grades started to drop because of my sadness and burnout. The next problem was that being removed from all my programs intensified my deep sadness. Those same activities kept me distracted from the issue at hand and mildly happy. Towards graduation I then knew I had to dig deep and figure out why I am sad. I joined the Army in the senior year as result from ongoing hyper masculinity and military interest base. I had a growing interest for a gender neutral name with feminine spelling something inside told me to do. That something was the female at heart. At first I like the name Leslie but then decided Jessie was a better match due to Jesse sounds the same. The female spelling made me happy to be called that and to write it. The day before graduation I went to the courthouse and officially became Jessie .